The Importance of Sibling Relationships for Children of Divorce
More often than not, we hear about the negative aspects of the sibling relationship – sibling rivalry, parental favoritism, and even physical aggression between siblings. However, long range studies conducted with children of divorce over the past twenty-five to thirty years have revealed some interesting findings about the importance of sibling relationships when their parents separate or divorce.
First, and probably the most obvious reason, is that many times siblings become each other's best, and maybe only, friends when their parents split up. Perhaps the primary parent has been forced to move from the marital home, forcing the children to leave behind their friends, routines and other familiar surroundings. There may also be a change in school or daycare – another change which directly affects the child's social circle. In situations like this, a sibling (who is in the same boat) can become a crucial ally and support system for a child’s social survival.
Second, in many cases, neither parent is prepared for the “single parent” lifestyle and quickly becomes overwhelmed with the day-to-day routines as a single parent. Therefore, in some situations, one or more siblings will take on the role of a secondary parent and begin taking care and providing emotional support to their siblings. This typically happens with the oldest child of the sibling group, but if another child is more nurturing by nature, or simply more mature than the eldest child, it may fall to another child to fill this role.
Third, and as a word of caution to parents, because the sibling relationship can be such a source of support (both physically and emotionally) during and following a divorce, it is important for parents to minimize any treatment of the children which might be interpreted as favoritism. If it is suspected by one or more of the children, it could create a sense of animosity or resentment that will last well into the future.
For all of these reasons, Guardians ad litem and family court judges are always skeptical of any parenting plan which will divide the siblings into one or more groups with different treatment from the others. There generally must be extenuating circumstances for a judge to even consider such a plan. When the parents of a family decide they can no longer live together, the family court’s main focus is the help preserve the familial relationships as best as possible between the parents and the children, but when sibling groups exists, the court will also try to preserve those relationships, as well.
Parents and family court professionals must always remember that the sibling relationships between the children are typically the longest lasting relationships the children will have throughout their lives, so supporting healthy, positive relationships despite the break-up of the marriage or intimate relationship between the parents is truly in their best interests.
