I’ve practiced family law and have worked with divorcing or divorced couples my entire legal career. I’ve also had more personal experience with divorce and child custody issues than the average person of my generation, so I’ve been able to offer my clients a different perspective on how to handle life in a more realistic way post-divorce.

This advice isn’t what many other attorneys tell their clients and it won’t be what you find in all the “expert advice” books you’ll find at your local Barnes & Noble or on Amazon either. However, I still continue to offer this non-traditional advice, because barring some serious reason within the family unit not to do it (i.e., mental health issues, domestic violence issues, substance abuse issues, etc.), it will help make life post-divorce healthier and more enjoyable for your children.

Here goes nothing.

When your ex gets re-married, do whatever you can to include the new spouse in communications about your children.

Yep. I know, I’m rocking the boat all over the place with this one. Hopefully, you’ll stay with me to see where I’m going with this.

Some divorced parents get married very quickly after the divorce. Some may wait a while before meeting the next Mr. or Mrs. Right, but regardless of the timeframe involved, my advice stays the same. Once your marriage is over, it’s up to your ex when/if they decide to form a new family unit with someone else. And once they do, that is now your children’s new family, as well.

When this happens, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve witnessed, both personally and professionally, ex-spouses go to extreme lengths to purposefully exclude, ignore, and refuse to communicate directly with the new spouse about anything involving the children. Their reasons range from anything as resentful as, “I know that person is the reason my marriage fell apart.” to as foolish as, “I don’t know that person and they have no right to information about my children.” to as petty as, “I’m not that person’s spouse - if they need the information let my ex give it to them.”

This behavior has never made sense to me as a parent myself. If there are decisions to be made about what’s best for the child or communications to be shared about the schedule for the child, having the stepparents involved in those discussions ensures that everyone who has a role in caring for the child is on the same page with what is decided and what is expected. I have seen some biological parents have more detailed conversations about the care of the child with daycare workers or teenage babysitters than they do with the stepparent who is likely spending far more quality time with their child on a regular basis.

This isn’t to say you should turn over your parental decision-making authority to the new stepparent. That’s not what I’m saying at all. However, including the new stepparent in the conversations about what might be best or what should be done when things are going on with the children can be helpful. They may offer insights or perspectives that neither Mom nor Dad thought about. They may have dealt with a similar situation with their own child and have some anecdote to share that may help resolve the issue in a better way than anyone else suggested. And in the case of scheduling or transportation issues, they may be more than willing to pitch in and help where their spouse may not be so willing to volunteer them to do so. Dad and Mom remain the figures with the “legal” ability to make final decisions for the child, but that doesn’t restrict the decision-making process to just those two minds - and I would argue that doing so limits your family severely in the realm of finding the best solutions for the child.

What Not to Say to a GAL in These Situations

When cases with parent vs. stepparent issues are a focal point, I typically like to interview all parent-figures related to the child to get a handle on the varying perspectives. One biological parent once told me they “had no reason to care what the stepparent’s opinion was” about the issue being discussed regarding the child. The parent went on to explain to me that the only opinion that “mattered” was the other biological parent’s “because that’s the only person who created this child with me.”

I allowed that parent to sit with that declaration for a very awkward minute or two, knowing full-well that the child’s issues that were being addressed during the litigation came down to the heightened friction and lack of proper communication between all their parental figures. I then asked this parent the following questions:

• Do you consider a doctor’s opinions important when caring for the child’s medical needs?

• How about your pastor’s opinion when addressing the child’s spiritual needs? Is that important to you?

• Do you consider a teacher’s opinions important when addressing the child’s educational needs?

• And finally, when you’re facing a parenting issue that has you stumped, is your best friend’s or a sibling’s opinion important to you to consider?

Of course, the answers to all of those questions were, “Yes, of course, I do.”

To which I responded, “And yet, not one of those people lives with your child day-in and day-out for extended periods of time. Your objection to communicating with this person doesn’t seem to have anything to do with whether or not the stepparent was involved in “creating” the child. None of the people I named will ever know your child as well as the stepparent will. And none of those people chose to love, help care for, and protect your child forever even though they did not ‘participate in creating your child’.”

Food For Thought

Do you really want someone who is responsible for taking care of your child on a regular basis to be left in the dark about what your concerns are or how you’d like certain situations handled when you or the other parent are not around? Do you really want to put all the responsibility of relaying your concerns as a parent in the hands of your ex, the one person you decided you couldn’t be married to?

Putting the child first in a child-centered co-parenting relationship means accepting and including all of the members of the child’s family – not just ones you deem worthy of inclusion based on biology or legal rights.

Trust me, your children will thank you for it one day.